Search for the Missing Nipple
by x-EmilyTennant-x
Summary: The Doctor's new companion is quite worried when the Doctor's nipple goes missing. They must face challenges and many experiences before they can find the Doctor's nipple! R&R now complete!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I got pretty bored so I wrote this randomly lol. I've written the second chapter as well, and it's kinda funny. Please tell me what u think!! Dedicated to my friend Jess :)

**Chapter One.**

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Nancy sat bolt upright in her bed, staring bleary-eyed around the room.

"YEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Doctor?!" she called out in concern, "Everything okay?!"

"NOOOOOOOO THIS ISN'T _HAPPENING_ TO ME!"

Nancy leapt out of bed, rubbing sleep from her eyes and dashed out into the TARDIS corridor. She ran towards the sound of horrified screaming and skidded to a halt outside the TARDIS bathroom. Opening the door she found the source of noise; the Doctor stood there shrieking, his back to her, with nothing but a towel around his waist and a frilly pink shower cap on his head.

"Uhh," Nancy said cautiously, "Doctor?"

"Help me," he whimpered, not turning around. "Help me…"

"Doctor what's wrong?!" Nancy asked fearfully. "Talk to me!!"

The Doctor spun around to face Nancy with tears streaming down his face.

"I've…" he sobbed. "I've lost my… I'VE LOST MY NIPPLE!!"

Nancy's jaw dropped and she glanced at the Doctor's chest. Sure enough, where his left nipple should be, there was just chest. No nipple, just flawless skin.

"Well where'd it go?!"

"How should I know?" the Doctor wailed. "I had my shower, looked in the mirror and it was gone."

"Was it there when you woke up this morning?" Nancy asked, trying not to sound amused by the situation.

"Yes. It must have washed off in the shower."

"Well in that case it's probably long gone down the plughole I'm afraid."

"Not the plughole!" he howled.

"It'll be okay Doctor," Nancy said reassuringly. "We'll find your nipple."

"Yeah, you're right," the Doctor said, wiping his eyes, "We'll search everywhere for it. The hunt for the golden nipple!"

"Erm, yeah."

"By the way," the Doctor said, looking down at Nancy, "You're in your jim-jams. Did I wake you?"

"Uh, yeah, but its ok," Nancy said feeling somewhat self-conscious in her skimpy jim-jams. "Shall I go and get dressed?"

"Yes!" the Doctor cried. "And so will I. Then the great nipple hunt may begin!"

To be continued…

A/N: So, tell me what u think! It's just a bit of light hearted fun. I got pretty bored. There's more to come though! Will the Doctor find his nipple?? Please review :D


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey guys, thanks for the reviews for last chapter!! I hope you're enjoying it so far. Keep reviewing, it's what makes the world go round! xD

**Chapter Two.**

"Doctor, can I just ask why you have detachable nipples?"

"They're not detachable," he replied, looking highly offended. "They are normal, fully grown nipples."

"Then how did you just lose one?"

"No idea. Be quiet, I'm hunting for evidence."

Nancy looked on in amusement as the Doctor scurried around a London street dressed as Sherlock Holmes, holding an unusually large magnifying glass. He turned to peer at Nancy through the magnifying glass and his companion snorted in laughter.

"What?" the Doctor asked, blinking his extremely enlarged eye. "What's so funny?"

"You amuse me to no end Doctor," Nancy replied, shaking her head.

"AHA!" the Doctor cried triumphantly, inspected the ground closely through his magnifying glass. "A clue!"

"Doctor, it's a beetle!" Nancy said exasperatedly. "How the heck is that a clue?!"

"I'm just thinking," the Doctor began.

"Ha, I doubt it."

"As I said, I'm just thinking. This beetle looks an awful lot like the beetle I flushed down the toilet earlier today. Perhaps it travelled through the same drain as my nipple."

"What was a beetle doing in the TARDIS?" asked Nancy in confusion.

"Exactly! And what was my nipple doing before it vanished?"

The Doctor scooped up the beetle before breaking into a run, heading West. Nancy stared at him in utter disbelief before hurrying to keep up.

"Doctor, wait!" Nancy cried, "Where are you going?!"

"Westminster!" he hollered in reply, still running. "To Wellington Arch!"

"What the…?!"

"Ah, here we are!" the Doctor said happily as he skidded to a halt outside Wellington Arch. Nancy panted and clung onto the Doctor's arm, purely exhausted from the running.

"Why… are we… here?" she gasped.

"Come on!" he said in excitement, skipping towards the entrance. "This is the only place in the whole of London where you can talk to insects!"

The Doctor passed over some money and Nancy followed him inside, gazing around in wonder.

"Come on, up we go! Up, up, up, to the balcony!" the Doctor began singing about balconies so Nancy nudged him. He stopped singing immediately.

"Wow, it's a gorgeous view up here!" Nancy said excitedly, her hair blowing gently in the cool wind.

"So, how you feeling right now?" the Doctor asked gently.

"Fine thanks," Nancy replied. She turned to face the Doctor and blushed as she saw he was actually talking to the beetle he was still holding.

The beetle waved a leg in the air before a voice boomed around them.

"_I am perfectly fine, thank you for asking_."

Nancy jumped; the beetle was talking!!

"Now," the Doctor said, getting down to business, "Did you happen to see a nipple in the drain? Only I've lost mine."

"_Yes, I did. It rushed past me down the S Bend. I followed it down into a sewerage plant. I then lost sight of the nipple_."

"Thank you for your help," the Doctor said happily, placing the beetle down on the balcony rail.

"_One more thing_," the beetle said, "_I just want to say, it was quite a lovely nipple_."

Then the beetle fluttered his wings and took flight off into the sunset.

"Right," the Doctor said determinedly, "to the sewerage plant! I'm gonna get my nipple back!!!"

A/N: Hehe, more adventure to come. But will something go wrong at the sewerage plant?? The Doctor and Nancy might get in some sht, so to speak! Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three.

A/N: I am totally loving your reviews!! Thanks heaps, and keep them coming. It's like a drug!! This chapter might be a bit icky, but oh well! xD

NOTE: There is one little swear word at the end of this chapter.

It was dark by the time the Doctor and Nancy arrived at the sewerage plant. Nobody was in sight so they hastily scrambled over the sagging wire fence and landed on the ground with a sickly squelch.

"Urgh," Nancy moaned, covering her face with her hands, "it absolutely stinks here! It smells terrible."

"Well yes," the Doctor said placidly, breathing deeply before exhaling with satisfaction, "Ah, the smell of decomposing poo."

He began to walk forwards; with every step he took making a loud squishy sound. Nancy followed hesitantly, walking gingerly on her tippy-toes. Suddenly, from within the darkness, a large shadowy creature launched itself into the air with a bone rattling screech. Nancy screamed in terror and the Doctor clapped his hand over her mouth.

"Shhh," he whispered, "it's just a bird!"

"Oh."

"Rahhhhhhhhhh, Rahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" the bird cawed and, as the light from the full moon glinted on its black feathers, Nancy saw it was only a raven.

"Evening!" the Doctor said jovially to the raven as it fluttered towards the ground and perched on a rotting piece of wood.

"Rahhhh," it croaked.

"Yes, lovely night," the Doctor nodded. "Mind speaking English? It's just my companion here isn't fluent in Raven yet. Must teach her."

"_Not a problem_," the raven said throatily.

"Hey I thought the TARDIS could translate anything?" Nancy queried.

"Yeah, she can," the Doctor explained everything. "But only certain things. She's not set to translate animal. Now, pay attention."

He turned back to face the raven, who had his head cocked to one side, his black eye glinting thoughtfully. "So, have you seen anything unusual down here at all in the past 16 hours, 27 minutes and 32.77 seconds?"

"_Errrrr_," the raven thought for a moment. "_Yes_."

"Yes?" the Doctor leaned forward eagerly, "Tell me what!"

"_A sea sponge_."

"Oh," the Doctor sat back in disappointment. "Anything else?"

"_Yes_," the raven said casually whilst preening his shining feathers, "_human remains, a rooster, a clothes peg and a nipple_."

"YES!" the Doctor cried triumphantly. "My nipple!"

"Hold on," Nancy interrupted. "Did you say 'human remains'? Is that just what you meant by the nipple?"

"_No_," the raven said simply.

"Well what was it then?" Nancy demanded.

"_A hand. It dropped down from the sky two Christmases ago, from a large shadowy thing in the sky. I lost it last week but found it again this morning. It's my lucky hand_."

"Oh sweet Rasillon!" the Doctor cried. "That must be my hand! I got it chopped off by the Sycorax leader, but I grew another one." He wiggled his fingers for confirmation.

"_Would you like to see it_?" asked the raven. He dipped his head under some murky water and pulled something out in his beak, flopping it down onto the moist ground.

"My hand!" the Doctor squealed excitedly, picking it up and inspecting it. Nancy felt ill at the sight of it; the hand was wrinkly, soggy, mouldy and with a somewhat greenish-brown tinge to it.

"_Would you let me keep it_?" the raven asked politely, "_Only I've had no other friends other than that hand_."

"Oh, of course," the Doctor said warmly, passing the hand back to the raven. "Now, about that nipple…"

"_Yes, it came bubbling up from that pipe to my left earlier today, and I watched as it floated by_."

"Well where is it now?"

"_Another bird took it. I watched the bird as it flew over London_."

"NO!" the Doctor howled in despair.

"_Not to worry, I know where it went. The bird that took it was a homing pigeon from a little cottage not far from here. I can give you the address if you wish_."

"Oh, yes please," the Doctor said with a sigh of relief. "Much appreciated."

The raven passed on the address to the Doctor and they bid each other goodbye.

"Right," the Doctor said, "we should go back to the TARDIS and get some rest before tomorrow, when we can go and retrieve my nipple from the pigeon. And watch out for that hole."

"What hole?" Nancy asked before squealing as she felt her foot catch in something and was sent sprawling onto the soggy ground. "Ewwww!"

Nancy sat up and stared in disgust at the stinking poo that covered her body and face. The sharp smell of urine hit her nostrils as she realised her knee was in a rather yellow puddle. She squealed and jumped to her feet, sobbing, as the Doctor struggled to keep a straight face.

"Someone's gonna need a bath," he said seriously before snorting hysterically.

"Yeah, you!" Nancy cried as she shoved the Doctor backwards into a large pile of poo.

"Aw, great!" the Doctor said sarcastically. "Looks like we got in a bit of shit!"

A/N: Hah, tell me what you thought!! If you have any ideas for upcoming chapters, please let me know. Doesn't matter if they are gross, that makes it funnier! Please review or else I will hunt you down and lock you in the sewerage plant with the raven and the Doctor's mouldy hand:P


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

A/N: Keep on reviewing guys, and I'll write quicker! Hope you're all enjoying it so far.

"Oh, this is nice!" said the Doctor conversationally, gesturing a hand around at the scenery.

All was green and fresh, trees sprouting up from the earth, reaching towards the bright blue sky. The only sign of life anywhere was a lonely little cottage in the near distance with smoke curling up from its chimney. The Doctor walked eagerly towards it with Nancy trailing along behind. The Doctor rapped his knuckles across the hard wooden door and watched as it creaked open slowly.

"Who goes there?" asked a suspicious voice.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Nancy."

The door opened slightly wider and a stooped old woman with wispy white hair was revealed. She smiled, somewhat askew teeth protruding from her lips. She wore thick rimmed glasses perched upon her nose and had dreadful fashion sense. She was wearing a polar fleece vest over a striped skivvy, tweed shorts, knee high socks and leather sandals. Nancy stifled a laugh at this woman's ridiculous appearance.

"Come inside, molluscs," the woman said warmly and Nancy gasped.

"Oh, I recognise you!" she said, hopping from one foot to the other. "You're Mrs Daddle and you taught me science at school!"

The old woman looked Nancy up and down disapproving before sniffing in her general direction.

"Yes, I remember you distinctly. You're Nancy Walsh and you blew up the science laboratory. I see your eyebrows have grown back then. Cuppa anyone?"

"Love a cuppa!" the Doctor said, sweeping the tomato red Nancy inside. "Nice cuppa tea."

The Doctor and Nancy sat on a small fuzzy brown sofa that smelt strongly of mothballs, quietly sipping their tea. Mrs Daddle sat on a striped orange armchair, surveying Nancy with mild interest and momentarily flicking her eyes to the Doctor every few minutes. Nobody spoke. The only sounds were the bubbling of the filter in a murky fish tank which appeared to contain electric blue shrimps.

"So," the Doctor said, breaking the awkward silence. "I hear you have some homing pigeons Mrs Daddle, is that correct?"

"Oh yes," she said eagerly, leaning forwards. "I breed them. I currently have thirty-six."

"How do you keep track of them all?"

"Easily. They only fly in a flock; otherwise they stay home pecking seed. Well, all except Jelly-Legs. She's the rogue. The black sheep of the family, if you will."

"I see," the Doctor said, noting in amusement that Nancy was pointedly remaining very quiet. "Where was Jelly-Legs last night?"

"Could've been anywhere."

Nancy subtly slid a piece of chewing gum from her pocket and popped it into her mouth, chewing slowly and enjoying the minty flavour.

"STOP MASTERCATING!" Mrs Daddle shouted suddenly, causing Nancy and the Doctor to jump in fright.

"I bed your pardon?!" the Doctor said, eyebrows raised.

"Mastercating," Daddle repeated with a snarl. "It's what cows do when they chew grass. They just keep on a'chewin' and a'chewin' and a'chewin'."

"Sorry," Nancy muttered, spitting out her chewing gum. "Now Mrs Daddle, do you know where Jelly-Legs would be now?"

"Go an' check outside in the backyard," the old woman said dismissively. "She's a right little terror, that Jelly-Legs. You'll spot her straight off if she's there. Only black one. The rest are grey."

The Doctor and Nancy were in awe by all the pigeons snoozing on branches of trees in the yard. The sounds of ruffling feathers and gentle cooing filled the air.

"Jelly-Legs!" the Doctor called tentatively. "Come here Jelly-Legs."

A large black pigeon swooped down from a nearby tree branch, settling neatly upon Nancy's shoulder. Jelly-Legs gave a quick nip to Nancy's ear before gazing expectantly at the Doctor.

"Hello!" he said brightly as Nancy scowled at the bird.

"_Morning_," said Jelly-Legs vaguely. "_What's the nature of this visit_?"

"I appear to have lost my nipple," the Doctor said. "According to my sources, you nicked off with it last night from the sewerage plant."

"_Yes, it was delicious. Very good nipple_."

"Nooooo," the Doctor wailed. "You didn't eat my nipple did you?!"

"_Why yes; yes I did_."

"But I need that!!"

"_Whatever for? Are you planning to breastfeed_?"

And with that, Jelly-Legs twitched her tail before taking flight.

"Aw man," Nancy whined, peering at her shoulder. "That stupid pigeon pooped on me."

Nancy plucked a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped as much of the poo off her shoulder as was possible. Suddenly a little boy came running at Nancy out of nowhere. As he ran past he grabbed the handkerchief, ran around a large tree and disappeared from sight.

"Oi, stop that kid!" the Doctor cried. "My nipple may have come out in that poo."

They ran in the direction the child had taken and saw him poke his head around from behind a tree.

"Och aye," the little boy said cheekily in a Scottish accent. "If ye want to find yer nipple, ye better come visit me in Glasgow!" Then he vanished into thin air.

"Oh now, this is just beginning to get ridiculous," the Doctor muttered. "Oh well. Off to Glasgow I suppose."

"Not so quickly…" said a threatening voice from behind Nancy and the Doctor.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

A/N: Lol, hmm, who is it and what do they want? I'll give you two cookies if you guess it right and one cookie if it's just a good guess. Oh, and three cookies if you review :P


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry it's taken a while to update. This chapter floats off a bit randomly, but hey. Randomness is good. Keep reviewing!!

Chapter Five.

"_Och aye," the little boy said cheekily in a Scottish accent. "If ye want to find yer nipple, ye better come visit me in Glasgow!" Then he vanished into thin air. _

"_Oh now, this is just beginning to get ridiculous," the Doctor muttered. "Oh well. Off to Glasgow I suppose."_

"_Not so quickly…" said a threatening voice from behind Nancy and the Doctor._

The Doctor and Nancy span around only to find themselves face to face with...

"Harry Potter?!" the Doctor cried in surprise and Nancy fainted.

"I have reason to believe that you know the whereabouts of Lord Voldemort," said Harry threateningly, raising his wand and pointing it at the Doctor's heart. "Now tell me where he is."

"How should I know where he is?!" the Doctor asked incredulously.

"Because you have access to the whole of space and time!"

At that moment, Nancy regained her consciousness. Sliding her hand into her jacket she pulled out a wand and pointed it at Harry.

"Avada Kedavra!" she cried and there was a blinding flash of green light. Harry flopped to the ground dead.

"Not the boy who lived anymore, is he?" the Doctor said brightly. "Now, let's get a move on!"

The jumped into the TARDIS and moments later had materialised in Scotland.

"Oh, this is nice!" the Doctor commented as he stepped out into the cold night air. His breath made fog in front of him, causing great excitement. "Look Nance, I'm smoking!"

He puffed breathily and grinned manically, watching as the fog from his breath gently faded away.

"Marvellous, now let's go Doctor."

They trudged forwards, feet crunching on the frosty ground. The moon was out and the stars twinkled brightly. Nancy looked ahead and saw a huge lake. Suddenly there was a great splashing and something rose from the depths.

"Ah, the Loch Ness monster," the Doctor sighed happily. The creature sunk back under the water, creating wide ripples across the glassy surface.

POP! The little boy appeared out of nowhere once again. Nancy jumped back in fright.

"Och aye, ye came!" he cried excitedly. "Ye know who I am?"

"A leprechaun?" asked Nancy sceptically. The boy stared.

"Don't ye be silly! I'm Scottish, not Irish! Though me second cousin twice removed is a leprechaun living happily in Ireland."

"So what are you then?" asked the Doctor. "And where's that handkerchief?"

"I am part elf," the boy said matter of factly. "And here is ye wee handkerchief, freshly washed and pressed."

He folded over a slightly singed scrap of material and the Doctor howled in anguish.

"Where's my nipple?!?!" he cried.

"Ah, that was ye wee nipple?" the boy asked cheekily. "Why, I sent it off to Ireland, to my wee leprechaun relative that I mentioned earlier. For Christmas!"

"For goodness' sake!" Nancy yelped impatiently. "All this fuss for a bloody nipple!"

"Come on then, let's go to Ireland."

"But Doctor," the boy said, "ye didn't even take yer hanky!"

The Doctor snatched the hanky and handed it to Nancy who pocketed it.

"Oh Doctor!"

"What do you want now?!"

"My name is Henrix," the boy said. "If ever ye need me, just call out 'Henrix Appendix' and I shall be at ye service. And Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"Ye are looking for Shaun the Leprechaun, and his brother Paddy. They will help ye retrieve yer nipple!"

"Great, thanks," the Doctor muttered dully, before dragging a shivering Nancy back to the TARDIS and setting the co-ordinates for Ireland.

Soon enough they landed and before the Doctor could open the door Nancy stopped him.

"Hey, how do we know where in Ireland we are meant to be going?" she asked.

"I set it for Galway to start with," the Doctor replied calmly as he opened the door and stepped out. He groaned in despair. "Ohh, this isn't Galway."

A shrill scream filled the air and the Doctor broke into a run…

A/N: Sorry it's quite short. Next chapter will be better. Pleeease review, I'm not getting enough reviews :( Next chap will be filled with leprechauns and whisky, I promise!!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six!!!!

A/N: Thanks for your reviews guys. Keep them coming!!

IMPORTANT!! There are some swear words in this chapter, so don't read if you might get offended. There's only one bad one in here though. And please don't take offence if you are Irish or religious, I'm only messing around.

"_I set it for Galway to start with," the Doctor replied calmly as he opened the door and stepped out. He groaned in despair. "Ohh, this isn't Galway." _

_A shrill scream filled the air and the Doctor broke into a run…_

"Doctor, wait!" Nancy yelled, running after him.

The Doctor skidded around the corner of a large building and stopped. Nancy ran smack bang into his back. She gasped at what she saw. There was a man staggering drunkenly towards a girl who was shrieking in terror. The man gave a leering smile, revealing his teeth. Or lack thereof. The remaining teeth in his mouth were rotten and chipped, and he smelt strongly of whisky.

"Well yes," commented the Doctor. "This is most definitely Ireland! I do believe we're in Dublin."

"Get away from me, you freak!" screamed the girl. Nancy watched in disgust as the drunken man staggered sideways and collapsed on the sidewalk.

"OHMIGOD!" Nancy shrieked in delight as realisation hit her. "You're Shane MacGowan! Oh, I love you; I'm your number one fan!!"

"Erngh," he gurgled.

"Oh, the poor thing, he's drunk again. He can't help being a drug addicted alcoholic, he's Irish. Let's take him with us to the TARDIS."

"Unhk, no Tardie ho fo' meh," he slurred.

"Erm, leave him there Nancy," the Doctor said disapprovingly. "And don't get too close!"

Nancy began to whimper, giving the Doctor her puppy dog eyes.

"I am not having that thing in my TARDIS!"

"Hello," a voice piped. They turned around and saw that the girl was still sitting there, looking slightly less disturbed. "Umm, what is that thing?" She pointed to the man that was now dribbling everywhere.

"That," said Nancy proudly, "is Shane MacGowan, lead singer of my favourite Irish band The Pogues!"

"Ew."

"Just out of curiosity, have you seen any leprechauns, erm, what was your name?"

"Sheelagh. And yeah I have. Paddy and Shaun the Leprechauns. They live in my house."

"Fantastic!" the Doctor roared. "Let's go!"

"Hunkkle-winksssss…."

Everyone turned and glanced down at Shane MacGowan who was now drifting steadily into unconsciousness.

"Ohh, I suppose we better take him with us," said the Doctor grudgingly and Nancy threw her arms around him in pure delight.

Ten minutes later Nancy and the Doctor had lugged Shane along with them and arrived at Sheelagh's house.

"Boys, I'm home!" she hollered. There was a shimmering, chiming sound and two tiny, ginger haired and bearded men appeared, dressed in little green suits. They were holding pots of gold.

"Hello!" they squeaked simultaneously.

"Hello," said the Doctor enthusiastically. "Now, I have reason to believe that you were given a nipple for Christmas? Is that so?"

"A nipple?" they chorused cheekily. "No sir, never sir, not a nipple sir!" They burst into peels of laughter.

The Doctor sighed impatiently. "Look, I really need my nipple back. I feel naked without it."

"Naked!" they cooed before falling over backwards with laughter, spilling their gold.

The Doctor turned bright red. Shane MacGowan snorted from his place on the floor.

"Now boys," Sheelagh snapped angrily. "Be nice! This gentleman and his friend are trying to be polite."

"Ah, a lady friend!" squealed the leprechauns. "She wants the nipple for her own purposes!" They began to laugh again and Nancy casually flicked one of them, sending him flying across the room with a high pitched wail.

"Awful, awful, awful child," tutted the remaining leprechaun, shaking his head, before he too was flicked with a squeal.

"Right," said Nancy brightly. "Now that they are out of the way."

"But my nipple!" the Doctor whined.

"Oh, fine."

Nancy scooped up the disgruntled leprechauns and sat them down on the table.

"Help us find the nipple," she said threateningly. "Or you'll get the flick again!"

"Okay, fine!" they squeaked in terror. "But on one condition…"

"Yes?"

"YOU PERFORM LIVE WITH THAT DRUNKEN SQUAT OVER THERE!"

Nancy stared at Shane MacGowan in pure joy. She ran to the sink, filled up a glass of cold water and tipped it on his head.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwwww!" he roared, leaping to his feet.

"Let's sing Fairytale of New York!" Nancy said excitedly.

"Unk, if we must."

"_It was Christmas Eve babe  
In the drunk tank  
An old man said to me, won't see another one  
And then he sang a song  
The Rare Old Mountain Dew  
I turned my face away  
And dreamed about you"_

The Doctor and Sheelagh tuned out, trying not to be deafened by the terrible singing. The leprechauns were bopping along merrily. The song was nearly over before the Doctor realised what was in the next verse.

"Nancy, NO!" he cried. It was too late; she was singing.

"_You're a bum  
You're a punk  
You're an old slut on junk  
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed  
You scumbag, you maggot  
You cheap lousy faggot  
Happy Christmas your arse  
I pray God it's our last"_

Sheelagh turned a deep shade of red and began to shake angrily. Nancy and Shane stopped immediately and stared in open mouthed horror as Sheelagh ran towards them with an axe.

"DON'T SAY RUDE WORDS!!!" she screamed. "THE LORD DOESN'T LIKE RUDE WORDS! IT'S _NAUGHTY_!"

"Uh-oh," said the Doctor. Nancy and Shane turned and began running madly around the kitchen table screaming as Sheelagh chased them with the axe. The leprechauns began chanting "Run, run!"

"HENRIX APPENDIX!" Nancy screamed, remembering what the little Scottish boy had said. "HENRIX BLOODY APPENDIX!!!"

There was a POP and there he was, Henrix himself, grinning madly.

"Sheelagh, heelagh!" he cried. "Steady girl!"

Sheelagh grudgingly stopped chasing them and put down the axe.

"What was that all about?!" cried Nancy indignantly.

"We're in Ireland!" the Doctor said as though that explained everything.

"Huh?" asked Shane MacGowan blankly, a sliver of drool sliding down his chin.

"You're Irish, you should know! Irish can be very religious. Catholics, Protestants, you name it. Look at the wall there! There's a great big crucifix there, next to a statue of Mother Mary. When you see that in an Irish house you DON'T SWEAR!"

"Now," said Henrix calmly. "Which one of ye wee leprechaun pals of mine have that man's wee nipple?"

"It was cheap," snapped one leprechaun angrily. "We got rid of it."

"Hah!" cried the Doctor. "My nipple is not cheap! It's first class quality nipple."

"Fine," said the second leprechaun. "Here, have your stupid nipple."

He pulled the nipple out of a sack and threw it to the Doctor who clasped it with tears of joy brimming in his eyes.

"Finally," he sobbed happily. "Time Lord and Nipple reunited."

"But the story isn't over yet," Nancy pointed out. "We still have to take Shane MacGowan home and then figure out how to reattach your nipple."

"Damn."

"To be continued!" squeaked the leprechauns and Henrix at the same time.

A/N: Hmm. More reviews please! Hehe.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Okay guys, this is it. Last chapter. (Drum roll) I hope you all enjoy, and PLEASE review at the end xD

"What are we supposed to do with a drunken Irishman on our hands?" asked the Doctor impatiently. "I just want to sort out my nipple. See, isn't it beautiful?"

He held out the nipple and Nancy gazed at it in wonder. Shane MacGowan dragged himself upright and slobbered over the Doctor's unsuspecting shoulder.

"Eurgh!" the Doctor squeaked in disgust. "Gerroffme!"

Shane toppled backwards and promptly fell in to a moist snoring sleep.

"Get him out of here," the Doctor said, malevolence dripping from his voice. Nancy burst into a flood of tears.

"No, take pity on my Shanie baby!" she sobbed pitifully.

"I SAID OUT!" the Doctor roared with such force that Nancy ran from the room squealing in terror, leaving Shane snoring and drooling on the floor.

The Doctor sighed and pocketed the nipple before grabbing hold of Shane MacGowan and dragging him to the door. He heaved in open and flung the drooling mess out of the door, slamming it closed. The Doctor brushed his hands off and smiled contentedly. Nancy crept back into the room and stared at the Doctor reproachfully.

"Hey Nance, I'm sorry. Now, this is the big moment in history! Are you ready for this?"

"For the nipple?" she asked eagerly, stepping forwards.

"FOR THE NIPPLE!"

They whooped loudly and high-fived. The Doctor plucked the nipple from his pocket and gazed at it lovingly.

"Home sweet home, buddy," he said softly. "Here we go."

Suddenly the door of the TARDIS flew open and in came a fleet of Daleks.

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" they cried as they glided in and surrounded the Doctor and Nancy.

"We must exterminate the nipple!" said the biggest Dalek. "EXTERMINATE THE NIPPLE!"

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me!" the Doctor cried in distress. "This is just ridiculous."

"Wait," screeched one Dalek to the first one. "Let's take the nipple."

"Doctor," said the first Dalek in its metallic voice. "You will hand over the nipple or you and the female will be EXTERMINATED!"

"Exterminate! Exterminate!" the rest of the Daleks chorused.

"Hold on, why do you want his nipple?" asked Nancy.

"I lost my nipple," the main Dalek said. "It is unfair of you to have yours when mine is gone."

"Since when did Daleks have nipples?!" the Doctor asked in surprise.

"Since the beginning of time," replied the Dalek. "We have an inner nipple to stimulate our feelings for the elusive Cybermen. Oh, how we crave them…"

"What the hell is going on here?!" demanded the Doctor. "Daleks do not have nipples, nor do they have feelings for Cybermen. Thus you must be lying!"

"Daleks do not LIE!"

"Just leave me alone," the Doctor whimpered. "All I want is to have my nipple back in place. Please…"

Suddenly the Daleks disappeared into thin air. In their place was Henrix the Scottish boy and the two leprechauns, Shaun and Paddy.

"Och aye!" cried Henrix excitedly. "Ye wee nipple won't be hindered by no scurvy cylinder dumps of scrap metal!"

"We saved the day!" squealed the leprechauns happily.

"You sure did," said Nancy appraisingly. "Thank you."

The leprechauns swelled with pride and Henrix smiled on appreciatively.

"Now, wee Doctor," he said gently. "It is time."

The Doctor took a deep breath and with all eyes on him he held the nipple up to the light. It began to glow, golden light shooting from it. The Doctor's eyes flashed.

"This is the beginning of a new era," he said in a deep, throaty voice. "The beginning of the Era of Nipple. All will worship the nipples. All will love their nipples. Nipples are a part of us and so should be respected. From this moment onwards we will be at one with our nipples! All hail the sacred nipples!"

"All hail the sacred nipples!" chorused the others.

The Doctor ripped off his jacket and shirt and stood there bare-chested.

"Are you ready for this??" he roared.

"YES!!" they all screamed, waving their arms in the air.

"Rahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" the Doctor screamed and slapped the nipple to his chest. It glowed brightly before moulding into place. "Hallelujah, NIPPLE!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone began to whoop and cheer, clapping loudly and grinning around the room like Cheshire cats. Suddenly there was a POP! and a glass of wine appeared in everyone's hands.

"This is a moment in history!" cried Nancy. "Let's all raise our glasses and have a toast. To the Doctor!"

"To the Doctor!" they chorused.

"And to the nipple!"

"To the nipple!"

"To nipples everywhere!"

"TO ALL NIPPLES GREAT AND SMALL!! **CHEERS**!"

The End.

A/N: There you go! That's the end of the greatest nipple adventure in history :P

I just want to say a big thanks to everyone who read this, and an even bigger thanks to those who reviewed!!

Look out for more of my stories in the future. Please review for this one, and feel free to give me suggestions for future stories xD xoxoxoxoxo


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